The Cheaters Guide to Defense

It seems like every time an athlete or team is accused of cheating, you hear the exact same defenses. So in the event someone you root for gets in trouble, we’d  like to save you some effort with this handy dandy cheat sheet:

  • Everybody is doing it! Okay, maybe not everybody, but almost everybody. At least a majority, right? We can’t prove that, but you know it’s true. In fact, the only reason our team was the one that got caught is…
  • Everybody hates us! We’re totally able to be impartial regarding our beloved team. You on the other hand, are biased and clearly not credible. The charges against us? They’re a total hatchet job. That’s right. We’re being scapegoated here, especially since…
  • You don’t have any real evidence! We’ve watched Law & Order. We know how this works. Where’s your video? Oh, there’s video? Umm…Where’s your DNA? There’s always DNA! This case is circumstantial at best. And don’t you know that “innocent until proven guilty” is applicable both to courtroom dramas and real life? That’s definitely the standard of proof here. And even if you could prove it…
  • We’re great anyway. Face it. We would have beaten you even if we had been playing by the rules. Hey, since our cheating raised the question of how great our accomplishments truly are, we might as well be the one to answer the question, right? Really great. We’re awesome. Not only are we innocent until proven guilty, we’re also incredible until proven mediocre. Finally…
  • The rule is stupid! Sure maybe at one time everybody agreed this is how the game should be played, but we know better now, don’t we? And can’t we all just admit that the only proper response to a stupid rule is to break it? Civil disobedience, man. Fight the power!

So there you have it. And may the best team at avoiding getting caught win.

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2 Responses to The Cheaters Guide to Defense

  1. Dan montgomery says:

    Great writing skills with a healthy dose of sarcastic wit. I’m still a big fan.

  2. pete goegan says:

    Yep, you’ve got it pretty well covered, Lori!

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